When I walk in my door, I am sad. My own home makes me sad. The air is oppressive. When I walk in my door all I can think of is the past.
Within my four walls I allowed myself to think of what could be, but now what could have been never will. It is the never will that consumes me in here.
I think about the day I walked in the door from that first doctor’s appointment and I knew it was over. I knew it in my soul. My mom knew too. I remember sitting on the couch crying on the phone with her crying those same tears.
When I walk in the door I think about all the tears I cried.
It is in these four walls that I was sick. There was unimaginable pain here. I was angry here. I was sad here. It is here where I have experienced the worst; here I am my worse.
I want out of this place. I mean that in the physical, mental, and emotional sense. I need to start over. I want to start over. A complete and total overhaul.
I need a new set of four walls. Ones that don’t hold the past and what could have been. Ones that only know the future. I admit I don’t know what that future looks like anymore. I just know that I can’t move onto that future here.
Some probably say I am just running away. Well fine then, I am running. Running to a new future. Maybe I could move on here in the place, but you know what, I don’t want to.
For me it will be easier to start completely over. A new home, a new outlook, new dreams, a new me.
Dreaming has always been my downfall. I had a lot of dreams in this place. A hope. Well those dreams got smashed and that hope is forever gone.
Don’t be mistaken. I still dream, I still have hope. I still have faith. I just need to start the new journey in a new place.
I am essentially trying to find a new happy place. I have a long way to go and I want a happy home place.
I don’t want to mix my old with my new. The new is going to great, I have faith in that. The new could even be better. I just want to be able to find that new.
I have a plan. I will achieve my new goals. I will find my happiness.
