Wordless Wednesday- Fishing Edition

One More Thing

Do you ever feel like if one more thing happens to you then you are going to just lose it? Like nervous break down, just me into a loony bin?

No? That’s just me….awesome…..

I swear if one more thing happens I might just have a break down. Big ugly cries are just not cutting right now. And it is not helping that I am going off my hormones. HELLO menopause rollercoaster!

I know we are not promised an easy life, but I need a period of calm in this storm or I am going to drown. I can’t keep up with all of this. I am STRUGGLING. But the good news is that I can fake it like no one’s business. (And I don’t mean “fake it” like that, you dirty minds! LOL!)

I am desperately praying for some calm. It doesn’t have to be rainbows and sunshine, but just not total earth shattering suckage. That is not too much to ask, right?

All I want NEED is a little respite. Time to take steps forward and not backwards…heck I would even take side steps….just not back.

*Deep Breaths* It has got to be only but up from here.

Dear God, let it be up.

Hey Where Have You Been

*Language Warning* I know I have a no cursing policy attached to my blog, but I am going to break it just this once.

Hey Ashley, Where have you been....well I will tell you where I have been.

I have been PISSED!

So angry that I can't even put it into words. I didn't want this blog to be a place where I come and spill hate and anger.

But I can't help it. I AM PISSED!

I hate my body so much for what it has caused me in the last 8 months.

I hate the doctors, the co-pays, the tests, the blood draws.

I hate the bills.

I hate the bad news.

I hate that all of this has hurt, worried, and changed my family.

I am just so over it.

More importantly, I am pissed that I am pissed. I am not this person. I am not the angry woman. I am not the cryer. I am not the bitter negative one.

I want my life back.

I want to go back to September.

I want ME back.

Fallin’

“People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me”

- I Will Carry You, SELAH

Dear Lord hear my prayers,

There are days that I can hardly face this reality. There are days that I pretend it isn’t happening. I allow myself to think for a second that if I blink it will be different. But Lord, this is the path that You have chosen for me to walk down. I will never understand the why, but I will be faithful. I will walk this journey.

Dear Lord, please help me to feel you holding my hand. I am falling on my knees begging for Your presence to be my constant companion. I am falling and I need You to catch me. I want to be done with the “whys”.  I want to feel nothing but the promises of a future. I don’t want to fall, I just want to stand tall on this path.

I will rely on the strength You provide. I will face it, I will not deny it. I can do all things through You. I trust in You and have hope in the plans You have for me. Your grace will and has saved me. I thank You for the blessings, and I am working on thanking You for the struggles. I will fight this battle and praise You through it.

I love you Lord.

Amen

Everyone together now…aww…..

My mom said my blog is depressing, so I thought I would post some stuff to make you say aww.

How about this  mama dog in a fancy dog bed…come on y’all know that is cute…

And now there is nothing cuter than a puppy in a plate of food…

Everyone together now…..

“Awww”

Taken Advantage Of

I made the decision to consult with a new RE (reproductive endocrinologist) not because I think this new doctor will give me a new diagnosis, but rather because I have lost faith that my old/current RE is keeping my best interest at heart.

To say that I am frustrated would be an understatement. I am upset and I feel like they took advantage of me. I was never one of those patients to call a ton, complain, and push them, well apparently that meant they could push my needs off. They made decisions without consulting me and would go weeks without returning my calls.

Switching to a new clinic at this point is that LAST thing that I wanted, but I have no faith in my old clinic. It makes me sad, I loved the doctor but his staff was horrible.

I hate this feeling. On top of everything that I am going through I have to add on the stress of switching and feeling taken advantage of.

Oh the frustration! I just want this all to be over. I hate endometriosis, I hate tumors, I hate cancer antigens, and I hate it when people don’t do their jobs.

Please pray that I feel peace with this new doctor and new clinic. I am searching for God’s will and I am struggling making sense of it all.

Obsessing About Labels

For some reason today I cannot stop thinking about labels. Everyone has them (good or bad) and everyone labels other people (good or bad).

Some of my labels are clear:

• Daughter
• Sister
• Friend
• Teacher
• Loved
• Child of God
• Saved

Some of my other labels aren’t so cut and dry:

• Happy
• Sad
• Sick
• Depressed
• Strong
• Anxious
• Lucky

Then there are the labels that I could do without:

• Endometriosis Sufferer
• Infertile
• Single
• 28
• Overweight
• Lazy

But there is also those labels that I so desperately hope to have:

• Wife
• Mother
• Healthy
• Soulmate
• Thin
• Happy
• Content

I guess our lives are nothing but a series of labels, both ones we attach to ourselves and ones given to us, and as we go through our journey we just have to deal with the labels as they come.

Had to Back Off

My blog was turning into nothing but a place for me to whine, and have a pity party. I don’t want this to be the place where all I do is say “poor me; why is this happening to me; blah blah blah”. So I had to back away and deal with my junk somewhere else.

This post will be something different. I want this post to be about blessings. Yes the bad stuff is still there, but I don’t want to talk about that. I want to proclaim all the blessing God has giving me and shows me on a daily basis.

First, my family is amazing. They show nothing but support and bend over backwards to help me.

Secondly, I have fantastic friends that show me support, love, and kindness. They understand the bad and show me love. They rejoice in my successes and allow me to rejoice in theirs. I have friends that I feel confident won’t just run away.

Third, my job(s) allow me to follow my passion. I love what I do and I love the people I work with. Again, in this struggle my employers and coworkers have been nothing but astoundingly understanding and compassionate. I am so lucky.

Fourth, I have had the opportunity to have awesome adventures lately. I am lucky that I am able to get out and enjoy life.

Mostly, I am thankful. Life is good, despite the bad. The bad will not equal destruction.

Here’s to you 2011

I am making the conscience decision/choice that in 2011 I will focus on the good and not dwell on the bad.

I have so many blessings in my life to be thankful for. I will choose to celebrate those. I will praise my faithful Lord.

 

*For the record, that is sparkling grape juice in the cup, not wine.

There’s A Fire

There is a fire in my soul. It is running deep and burning strong. But I am desperately trying to not let this fire define me.

It is a fire of anger, bitterness, regret, insecurity, and fear. I cannot let it consume me. I will fight this fire.

This fire is not me. It is not who I want to be. It will not be my future.

Holiday Happiness at HomeGoods

Chloe the Christmas Kitty is praying that Mom got her something at HomeGoods.

Thanks to HomeGoods and BlogHer I was able to go out and spend $25 on gifts!

In just one trip with only $25 bucks I was able to get gifts for my co-workers,  a gift for my mom, and some stocking stuffers. I was so pleased that I was able to get so much for so little, and there was an awesome variety of stuff that I could choose from in my budget.

I got the cutest notepad, sticky note, magnet set for my partners that I work with. Since we are teachers we can never have too many sticky notes! So these would make great teacher gifts for all those parents out there.

There was a ton of candy sets and fun little edible gifts items that would be perfect for a stocking. I got these unique sweet treats to go in a stocking!

I can’t post a picture the picture of what I got for my mom since she reads my blog, but you will have to trust me when I say that it is awesome! It is an elegant home decor item that looks expensive but was under 15 dollars!!! (Maybe if you look closely at my next picture you can sneak a peek at it!) **Mom just ignore that last part. ;-)

My haul of stuff! I had a blast shopping and I am definitely hitting up HomeGoods before the end of the season!

Chloe the Christmas Kitty approves of my gifts even if they aren’t for her. :-)

If you want your chance to go holiday shopping at HomeGoods all you have to do is go HERE and you can enter for a chance to win a $100 or $20 giftcard!

I Never Would Have Thought

Even with everything I went through in the past, I really could have never imagined I be here.

I didn't think I would be making appointments with fertility specialists. I didn’t think I would need more surgery. I didn’t think I would need 6 months of injections before surgery.

I never thought I would be sitting here praying that  someday I  hope I will get to be a mommy. I never thought I would be sitting here praying that someone will still want to marry me. I never thought I would be sitting here praying to see God’s plan.

I never would have thought I would have so much support from family and friends. I never would have thought how blessed I truly am. I never would have thought I could have been more thankful for my loved ones.

Even though I never would have thought I would be in this struggle, I still  have faith. Faith in God, faith in His plan, faith in who I am, and who I am going to be. I will trust. I will wait. I will rely on Him.

Life Updates in a Bulleted List

• The new school year has started
• I love my new group of 3rd graders
• I love teaching math…..I’m still in shock over that one
• I cut my hair really short
• My second job makes me tired
• I am the student council sponsor
• My purse got stolen
• Pawpaw turned 80
• My brother moved home
• My friends are amazing
• I need to plan my next trip/make more travel plans
• I am fully aware that I am a bad blogger
• Twitter is my latest obsession
• It is less than a month until my birthday

Dichotomy

Everything- BuckCherry Buried way beneath the sheets I think she's having a meltdown Finding it hard to fall asleep She won't let anyone help her The look on her face, a waste of time She won't let go, gonna roll the dice Losing her grace, starts to cry I feel her pain when I look in her I wanna be I want everything, I want everything Somewhere she is on the streets Trying to make things better Praying to God and breathing deep Gotta break this long obsession The look on her face, a waste of time She won't let go, gonna roll the dice Losing her grace, starts to cry I feel her pain when I look in her I wanna be I want everything, I want everything I wanna be I want everything, I want everything, yeah If I had everything would I still want to be alive Or wanna be high? If I had everything would I still want to be alive Or want to be high? Now and then she talks to me And sometimes writes me letters The look on her face, a waste of time She won't let go, gonna roll the dice Losing her grace, starts to cry I feel her pain when I look in her Your eyes, never close your eyes And open up your mind and then baby You can have everything, everything Your eyes, never close your eyes And open up your mind and then baby You can have everything

Beautiful Beautiful- Francesca Battistelli Don’t know how it is You looked at me And saw the person that I could be Awakening my heart Breaking through the dark Suddenly Your grace Like sunlight burning at midnight Making my life something so Beautiful, beautiful Mercy reaching to save me All that I need You are so Beautiful, beautiful Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain But even perfect days can end in rain And though it’s pouring down I see You through the clouds Shining on my face Like sunlight burning at midnight Making my life something so Beautiful, beautiful Mercy reaching to save me All that I need You are so Beautiful, beautiful I have come undone But I have just begun Changing by Your grace Like sunlight burning at midnight Making my life something so Beautiful, beautiful Mercy reaching to save me All that I need You are so Beautiful, beautiful

These are 2 very different songs that I currently have playing on repeat. I think this dichotomy really shows where my head is at right now. I am kind of all over the place. But not scattered in a bad way….just in a way that means I need to make some choices. Choice is always I good thing. I just hope I choose right.

I am sure that I have thoroughly confused my IRL (in real life) friends, but oh well.

Disclaimer: These are obviously song lyrics that I in no way wrote. I credit the artists…duh

Wordless Wednesday- It was nice while it lasted :D

Wordless Wednesday- Tomorrow I will be here

Stream of Randomness

I have started using Windows Live Writer to blog and I LOVE IT!! It definitely easy to use and it makes formatting so much easier than using Blogger.

I just moved. I didn’t tell ya’ll that. Yep I moved…again. I usually move about every 2 years but it had only been a year since my last move this time. Oh well, I love my new place. I am getting to be quite the moving expert.

My first summer off as a teacher has been a rousing success. I am a HUGE fan of any job that wants to pay me to have 2 months off. I look forward to many more summers off. But along the lines of summer is that I wish we could take some time off when it wasn’t so dang hot…maybe like have October off and June off….yeah I like that idea.

I have been without cable TV for over a week, and I am kind of getting use to not having it. Kind of…..

I am leaving for a trip in a couple of days and I have already packed my suitcase mentally but not physically…is that weird?

Teaching abroad has become a recent idea for me. I have begun skimming the surface about this notion. I would LOVE to go somewhere that I could practice my Spanish. (No worries Pick, I am just toying with the idea)

I saw Twilight Saga: Eclipse and it was awesome. Definitely my favorite of the Twilight movies.

I am beginning to come to terms with my social networking addiction. I am realizing that I spend entirely too much time on Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube. It’s a problem for real y’all.

I guess that’s it for now.

Ok I lied, I just thought of something else. If there is anything that anyone out there is in need of prayer about please let me know. I am trying to become a better prayer warrior so I would be thrilled to lift the blogosphere up in prayer. Even if it is just to pray for someone’s unspoken prayer request. Just leave me a comment.

I Don’t Know What My Problem Is

This is the longest blogging slump I have ever been in. I don’t know what the problem is. I have TONS of amazing things going on in my life that I want to share. I have TONS of “issues” I would love to discuss. But still nothing.

I want to be brave like Amy Beth and talk about singleness. I want to be brave like Casey and talk about depression. I want to be wickedly witty like Bossy. I want to elequently express my beliefs like Angie.

But alas, I am none of those women. I am just me. So you fine readers reader, are stuck with me. I am not sure exactly what that “me” means right now. I’m working on it.

I Love My Daddy!

I love my Daddy for lots of reasons. He is more than I could ever wish for. My family and I would be lost without him. He truly is the best. I love him bunches and bunches, forever and forever.

He is oh so manly cutting down trees.  I mean, seriously, how cool is he.

 

I love you Daddy!

You wanna know where I’ve been, just ask my facebook.

The following is an excerpt of my Facebook status messages:

Ashley Duncan I'm still in disbelief that the year is over. August will be here quickly I'm sure...

Ashley Duncan I cannot believe today was the last day of school. It is really kind of surreal.

Ashley Duncan Blah. Yep that's all I got.

Ashley Duncan I mowed my yard for the very first time! I'd never used a lawn mower before! I feel so accomplished :D

Ashley Duncan Around here somewhere

Ashley Duncan Workin' hard for the money :)

Ashley Duncan Girls night out! Sex and the City 2!! :D

Ashley Duncan There is nothing cuter than a room full of 9 year olds singing to Kidz Bop radio...I love it! These kiddos just melt my heart sometimes. :D

Ashley Duncan Man this day has started off crazy....but I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me. :)

Ashley Duncan God is good. Always and Forever.

Ashley Duncan I am so happy for you Sarah!! You deserve it!! Yay employment!!

Ashley Duncan Dear Bad Mood, please go away! Thanks, Ashley

Ashley Duncan Last full week of school!!!

Ashley Duncan Working a double then PARTY!

Ashley Duncan Rumor has it that TAKS scores are in..... :-/

Ashley Duncan "Burnt out, I'm so numb now.
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart"

Ashley Duncan I'm starting to clean out and pack up my classroom. I cannot believe this year is practically over!

Ashley Duncan I'm tired and whiny today. Waaaahhhh!

Ashley Duncan It's only 8:30am but this definitely the quote of the day by my little darlings: "Did you know stress makes body fat, so Ms. Duncan, school makes you fat".

Ashley Duncan I woke up at 8 am on my own! What is that about?!

Ashley Duncan I am such the single girl stereotype at the grocery store. My cart consisted of frozen dinners and cat food. :-/

Ashley Duncan In the arms of Your mercy I find rest.

Ashley Duncan Today is field day. I have laryngitis and I'm hot....waaaahhhwaahhh! Someone call me a wambulance! ;-)

Ashley Duncan Today I had a little boy with Autism tell me to stop talking so I don't lose my voice forever. So I'm on silence until tomorrow.

Ashley Duncan Is the rehab for a Chuy's addiction? If there is, I definitely need to go..... ;-)

Yes, I am fully aware I update my status entirely to much.