Monday, June 13, 2011

One More Thing

Do you ever feel like if one more thing happens to you then you are going to just lose it? Like nervous break down, just me into a loony bin?

No? That’s just me….awesome…..

I swear if one more thing happens I might just have a break down. Big ugly cries are just not cutting right now. And it is not helping that I am going off my hormones. HELLO menopause rollercoaster!

I know we are not promised an easy life, but I need a period of calm in this storm or I am going to drown. I can’t keep up with all of this. I am STRUGGLING. But the good news is that I can fake it like no one’s business. (And I don’t mean “fake it” like that, you dirty minds! LOL!)

I am desperately praying for some calm. It doesn’t have to be rainbows and sunshine, but just not total earth shattering suckage. That is not too much to ask, right?

All I want NEED is a little respite. Time to take steps forward and not backwards…heck I would even take side steps….just not back.

*Deep Breaths* It has got to be only but up from here.

Dear God, let it be up.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Hey Where Have You Been

*Language Warning* I know I have a no cursing policy attached to my blog, but I am going to break it just this once.

Hey Ashley, Where have you been....well I will tell you where I have been.

I have been PISSED!

So angry that I can't even put it into words. I didn't want this blog to be a place where I come and spill hate and anger.

But I can't help it. I AM PISSED!

I hate my body so much for what it has caused me in the last 8 months.

I hate the doctors, the co-pays, the tests, the blood draws.

I hate the bills.

I hate the bad news.

I hate that all of this has hurt, worried, and changed my family.

I am just so over it.

More importantly, I am pissed that I am pissed. I am not this person. I am not the angry woman. I am not the cryer. I am not the bitter negative one.

I want my life back.

I want to go back to September.

I want ME back.