Sunday, October 30, 2011

Why I Want to Move

When I walk in my door, I am sad. My own home makes me sad. The air is oppressive. When I walk in my door all I can think of is the past.

Within my four walls I allowed myself to think of what could be, but now what could have been never will. It is the never will that consumes me in here.

I think about the day I walked in the door from that first doctor’s appointment and I knew it was over. I knew it in my soul. My mom knew too. I remember sitting on the couch crying on the phone with her crying those same tears.

When I walk in the door I think about all the tears I cried.

It is in these four walls that I was sick. There was unimaginable pain here. I was angry here. I was sad here. It is here where I have experienced the worst; here I am my worse.

I want out of this place. I mean that in the physical, mental, and emotional sense. I need to start over. I want to start over. A complete and total overhaul.

I need a new set of four walls. Ones that don’t hold the past and what could have been. Ones that only know the future. I admit I don’t know what that future looks like anymore. I just know that I can’t move onto that future here.

Some probably say I am just running away. Well fine then, I am running. Running to a new future. Maybe I could move on here in the place, but you know what, I don’t want to.

For me it will be easier to start completely over. A new home, a new outlook, new dreams, a new me.

Dreaming has always been my downfall. I had a lot of dreams in this place. A hope. Well those dreams got smashed and that hope is forever gone.

Don’t be mistaken. I still dream, I still have hope. I still have faith. I just need to start the new journey in a new place.

I am essentially trying to find a new happy place. I have a long way to go and I want a happy home place.

I don’t want to mix my old with my new. The new is going to great, I have faith in that. The new could even be better. I just want to be able to find that new.

I have a plan. I will achieve my new goals. I will find my happiness.


Lori said...

could you consider the place you were healed?

I was sad when we moved from our previous home b/c my daughter had leaukemia- she was diagnosed when we lived there, and we were on a journey with her when we were there, and she healed there and spent some years living normally there. When we left, I realized that I had brought home my second child to this home, we battled leukemia in this home, and we LIVED life and found a closer relationship with Jesus in that home.So much history and love and healing there. This house we are in now was just a house. It wasn;t mine. I have been here 2 years almost and I am just feeling like it says ME and my family. God bless you and I hope you find some peace there.

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