Shed A Little Light In Here

Things have to change.

I am making changes.

Changes for the better.

I will get through this.

A whole new me.

I am starting to feel excited.

What has happened/is happening has changed me but I won't let it change me for the worse.

It is time for me to move on.

So I am moving.

One foot at a time.

Why I Want to Move

When I walk in my door, I am sad. My own home makes me sad. The air is oppressive. When I walk in my door all I can think of is the past.

Within my four walls I allowed myself to think of what could be, but now what could have been never will. It is the never will that consumes me in here.

I think about the day I walked in the door from that first doctor’s appointment and I knew it was over. I knew it in my soul. My mom knew too. I remember sitting on the couch crying on the phone with her crying those same tears.

When I walk in the door I think about all the tears I cried.

It is in these four walls that I was sick. There was unimaginable pain here. I was angry here. I was sad here. It is here where I have experienced the worst; here I am my worse.

I want out of this place. I mean that in the physical, mental, and emotional sense. I need to start over. I want to start over. A complete and total overhaul.

I need a new set of four walls. Ones that don’t hold the past and what could have been. Ones that only know the future. I admit I don’t know what that future looks like anymore. I just know that I can’t move onto that future here.

Some probably say I am just running away. Well fine then, I am running. Running to a new future. Maybe I could move on here in the place, but you know what, I don’t want to.

For me it will be easier to start completely over. A new home, a new outlook, new dreams, a new me.

Dreaming has always been my downfall. I had a lot of dreams in this place. A hope. Well those dreams got smashed and that hope is forever gone.

Don’t be mistaken. I still dream, I still have hope. I still have faith. I just need to start the new journey in a new place.

I am essentially trying to find a new happy place. I have a long way to go and I want a happy home place.

I don’t want to mix my old with my new. The new is going to great, I have faith in that. The new could even be better. I just want to be able to find that new.

I have a plan. I will achieve my new goals. I will find my happiness.

Anger

I have never been an angry person.

But now I am angry. Really angry. Angry about everything.

I don't know what to do with this anger.

I want it to go away.

Someone please tell me what to do with it.

Don't be mistaken, I am not angry with God. I am just angry about all that I am going to miss.

Anger is annoying.

Anger is controlling.

I want to control it. I want it to go away.

I don't want to be anger all the time.

Wordless Wednesday- Isabelle Kanda

Why

Kara and Matthew,

I will never understand why God chose to take your sweet baby boy after only 8 short months. I will never understand why Jamesie had to have  a brain tumor. I will never understand why you had only 23 final days with him. I will never get the whys of the Lord.

I don’t know why these things happen, but I do know that your journey is a shining example of love and faith. I don’t know why you didn’t get to keep James, but I do know that his life meant something.

Through James people were shown what a life full of love, faith, hope, and courage really is. James fought, you fought for him, and your praised God through this storm.

I will never get the why, but I will continue to pray for y’all. I will never know why, but I will praise the Lord for getting to know James’ story.

Love,

Ashley

If you want to read Jamesie’s story, please do so HERE.  Be on your knees for this sweet family. They are going through an unimaginable valley.

Anonymity

There are very few people in my real life that know about my blog or if they do know that I blog they don't read it. I often ask myself why that is.

I think it is because this blog is a place to be very open and honest. In my every day I am a pretty private person and I don't really share my feelings or what I am going through.

I am afraid that if my "real" friends/family read this then they will see me differently or even treat me differently. They probably won't but in my head I will feel judged.

Right now I am facing they choice of whether to stay in anonymity or put my blog out there for all to read.

What is the right decision? I really don't know.

Wordless Wednesday- Fishing Edition

One More Thing

Do you ever feel like if one more thing happens to you then you are going to just lose it? Like nervous break down, just me into a loony bin?

No? That’s just me….awesome…..

I swear if one more thing happens I might just have a break down. Big ugly cries are just not cutting right now. And it is not helping that I am going off my hormones. HELLO menopause rollercoaster!

I know we are not promised an easy life, but I need a period of calm in this storm or I am going to drown. I can’t keep up with all of this. I am STRUGGLING. But the good news is that I can fake it like no one’s business. (And I don’t mean “fake it” like that, you dirty minds! LOL!)

I am desperately praying for some calm. It doesn’t have to be rainbows and sunshine, but just not total earth shattering suckage. That is not too much to ask, right?

All I want NEED is a little respite. Time to take steps forward and not backwards…heck I would even take side steps….just not back.

*Deep Breaths* It has got to be only but up from here.

Dear God, let it be up.

Hey Where Have You Been

*Language Warning* I know I have a no cursing policy attached to my blog, but I am going to break it just this once.

Hey Ashley, Where have you been....well I will tell you where I have been.

I have been PISSED!

So angry that I can't even put it into words. I didn't want this blog to be a place where I come and spill hate and anger.

But I can't help it. I AM PISSED!

I hate my body so much for what it has caused me in the last 8 months.

I hate the doctors, the co-pays, the tests, the blood draws.

I hate the bills.

I hate the bad news.

I hate that all of this has hurt, worried, and changed my family.

I am just so over it.

More importantly, I am pissed that I am pissed. I am not this person. I am not the angry woman. I am not the cryer. I am not the bitter negative one.

I want my life back.

I want to go back to September.

I want ME back.

Fallin’

“People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me”

- I Will Carry You, SELAH

Dear Lord hear my prayers,

There are days that I can hardly face this reality. There are days that I pretend it isn’t happening. I allow myself to think for a second that if I blink it will be different. But Lord, this is the path that You have chosen for me to walk down. I will never understand the why, but I will be faithful. I will walk this journey.

Dear Lord, please help me to feel you holding my hand. I am falling on my knees begging for Your presence to be my constant companion. I am falling and I need You to catch me. I want to be done with the “whys”.  I want to feel nothing but the promises of a future. I don’t want to fall, I just want to stand tall on this path.

I will rely on the strength You provide. I will face it, I will not deny it. I can do all things through You. I trust in You and have hope in the plans You have for me. Your grace will and has saved me. I thank You for the blessings, and I am working on thanking You for the struggles. I will fight this battle and praise You through it.

I love you Lord.

Amen

Everyone together now…aww…..

My mom said my blog is depressing, so I thought I would post some stuff to make you say aww.

How about this  mama dog in a fancy dog bed…come on y’all know that is cute…

And now there is nothing cuter than a puppy in a plate of food…

Everyone together now…..

“Awww”

Taken Advantage Of

I made the decision to consult with a new RE (reproductive endocrinologist) not because I think this new doctor will give me a new diagnosis, but rather because I have lost faith that my old/current RE is keeping my best interest at heart.

To say that I am frustrated would be an understatement. I am upset and I feel like they took advantage of me. I was never one of those patients to call a ton, complain, and push them, well apparently that meant they could push my needs off. They made decisions without consulting me and would go weeks without returning my calls.

Switching to a new clinic at this point is that LAST thing that I wanted, but I have no faith in my old clinic. It makes me sad, I loved the doctor but his staff was horrible.

I hate this feeling. On top of everything that I am going through I have to add on the stress of switching and feeling taken advantage of.

Oh the frustration! I just want this all to be over. I hate endometriosis, I hate tumors, I hate cancer antigens, and I hate it when people don’t do their jobs.

Please pray that I feel peace with this new doctor and new clinic. I am searching for God’s will and I am struggling making sense of it all.

Obsessing About Labels

For some reason today I cannot stop thinking about labels. Everyone has them (good or bad) and everyone labels other people (good or bad).

Some of my labels are clear:

• Daughter
• Sister
• Friend
• Teacher
• Loved
• Child of God
• Saved

Some of my other labels aren’t so cut and dry:

• Happy
• Sad
• Sick
• Depressed
• Strong
• Anxious
• Lucky

Then there are the labels that I could do without:

• Endometriosis Sufferer
• Infertile
• Single
• 28
• Overweight
• Lazy

But there is also those labels that I so desperately hope to have:

• Wife
• Mother
• Healthy
• Soulmate
• Thin
• Happy
• Content

I guess our lives are nothing but a series of labels, both ones we attach to ourselves and ones given to us, and as we go through our journey we just have to deal with the labels as they come.

Had to Back Off

My blog was turning into nothing but a place for me to whine, and have a pity party. I don’t want this to be the place where all I do is say “poor me; why is this happening to me; blah blah blah”. So I had to back away and deal with my junk somewhere else.

This post will be something different. I want this post to be about blessings. Yes the bad stuff is still there, but I don’t want to talk about that. I want to proclaim all the blessing God has giving me and shows me on a daily basis.

First, my family is amazing. They show nothing but support and bend over backwards to help me.

Secondly, I have fantastic friends that show me support, love, and kindness. They understand the bad and show me love. They rejoice in my successes and allow me to rejoice in theirs. I have friends that I feel confident won’t just run away.

Third, my job(s) allow me to follow my passion. I love what I do and I love the people I work with. Again, in this struggle my employers and coworkers have been nothing but astoundingly understanding and compassionate. I am so lucky.

Fourth, I have had the opportunity to have awesome adventures lately. I am lucky that I am able to get out and enjoy life.

Mostly, I am thankful. Life is good, despite the bad. The bad will not equal destruction.

Here’s to you 2011

I am making the conscience decision/choice that in 2011 I will focus on the good and not dwell on the bad.

I have so many blessings in my life to be thankful for. I will choose to celebrate those. I will praise my faithful Lord.

 

*For the record, that is sparkling grape juice in the cup, not wine.

There’s A Fire

There is a fire in my soul. It is running deep and burning strong. But I am desperately trying to not let this fire define me.

It is a fire of anger, bitterness, regret, insecurity, and fear. I cannot let it consume me. I will fight this fire.

This fire is not me. It is not who I want to be. It will not be my future.